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Rasor Road - Quote of the Day!

1
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
2
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
3
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
4
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
5
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
6
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
7
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
8
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
9
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
10
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
11
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
12
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
13
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
14
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
15
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
16
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
17
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
18
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
19
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
20
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
21
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
22
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
23
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
24
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
25
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
26
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
27
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
28
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
29
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
30
Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
31
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
32
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
33
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
34
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
35
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
36
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
37
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
38
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
39
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
40
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
41
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
42
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
43
God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
44
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
45
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
46
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
47
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
48
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
49
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
50
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
51
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
52
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
53
The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
54
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
55
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
56
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
57
It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
58
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
59
Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
60
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
61
We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
62
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
63
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
64
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
65
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
66
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
67
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
68
I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
69
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
70
When in doubt, mumble.
71
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
72
I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
73
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
74
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
75
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
76
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
77
Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
78
I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.
79
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
80
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
81
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
82
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
83
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
84
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
85
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
86
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
87
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
88
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
89
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
90
A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
91
Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."
92
Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.
93
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
94
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.
95
Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.
96
If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?
97
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
98
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
99
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
100
Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
101
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
102
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
103
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
104
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
105
You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'. Need I say more?
106
When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
107
George washington said "We would have a black president when pigs fly!"... well, swine flu.
108
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
109
If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer...oh wait, he does.
110
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
111
Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don't make sense. Refrigerator.
112
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
113
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
114
If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
115
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
116
I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
117
Life's a bitch, 'cause if it was a slut, it'd be easy.
118
Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.
119
Deja Vu - When you think you're doing something you've done before, it's because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends.
120
You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.
121
Girls are like roads, more the curves, more the dangerous they are.
122
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
123
You know, they got a luggage store in the airport? A place to buy a piece of luggage? How late do you have to be for a flight where you're like, 'Fuck it - just grab a pile of shit. We'll get a bag at the airport'.
124
Does time fly when you're having sex or was it really just one minute?
125
If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.
126
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
127
Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
128
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
129
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
130
Who was the first to see a cow and think "I wonder what will happen if I squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?"
131
By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.
132
Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye.
133
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
134
Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.
135
The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
136
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
137
By the time you learn the rules of life, you're too old to play the game.
138
I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.
139
Well aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution.
140
If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between "shit" and "syphilis"
141
We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
142
The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.
143
I don't have an attitude; I have a personality you can't handle.
144
Isn't it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.
145
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?
146
Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?
147
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
148
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
149
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
150
The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.
151
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
152
To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
153
Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.
154
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?
155
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".
156
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper.
157
Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.
158
Join The Army, visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.
159
America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
160
Two years ago I married a lovely young virgin, and if that doesn't change soon, I'm gonna divorce her.
161
I have all the money I'll ever need - if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.
162
Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.
163
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
164
Vegetarian: Native American definition for "lousy hunter".
165
The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth.
166
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
167
Materialism: buying things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people that don't matter.
168
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
169
We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour
170
There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it's hot.
171
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
172
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
173
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
174
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
175
People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
176
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
177
The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.
178
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.
179
Archeologist: someone whose carreer lies in ruins.
180
For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction.
181
Women should not have children after 35. Really... 35 children are enough.
182
A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognised.
183
A friend is someone who will help you move. A GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a dead body.
184
No one is listening until you fart.
185
Why is it called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
186
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
187
Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
188
They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
189
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
190
100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
191
I'm a humble person, really. I'm actually much greater than I think I am.
192
Why don't you slip into something more comfortable...like a coma.
193
After (M)onday and (T)uesday even the week says WTF !!
194
1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
195
It matters not whether you win or lose: what matters is whether I win or lose.
196
Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.
197
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
198
You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.
199
They call it "pms" because "mad cow disease" was already taken.
200
The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.
201
There are two kinds of friends : those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you.
202
The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.
203
Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.
204
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
205
Only dead fish go with the flow.
206
Life's like a bird, it's pretty cute until it shits on your head.
207
It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.
208
I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
209
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
210
What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry?
Never lick the spoon.
211
Don't steal. That's the government's job.
212
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
213
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
214
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
215
True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable.
216
Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
217
Lite: the new way to spell "Light," now with 20% fewer letters!
218
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.
219
Foreign Aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
220
Drink coffee! Do stupid things faster with more energy!
221
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
222
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
223
Unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes.
224
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
225
If I'd shot you sooner, I'd be out of jail by now.
226
I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.
227
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems...but then again, neither does milk.
228
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
229
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
230
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
231
Everything is edible, some things are only edible once.
232
Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege!
233
Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
234
When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise!
235
If everything seems to be coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.
236
There are no winners in life...only survivors.
237
Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
238
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
239
If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, why isn't anything in the store is free yet?
240
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
241
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
242
Silence doesn't mean your sexual performance left her speechless.
243
You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?
244
People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.
245
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
246
Without ME, it's just AWESO.
247
A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.
248
This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.
249
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words.
250
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
251
She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.
252
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
253
Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice.
254
We are all part of the ultimate statistic - ten out of ten die.
255
The farther away the future is, the better it looks.
256
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me... they were cramming for their finals.
257
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
258
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
259
I sometimes go to my own little world, but that's okay, they know me there.
260
I'm in shape. Round is a shape isn't it?
261
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
262
You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.
263
It's not how good your work is, it's how well you explain it.
264
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
265
Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.
266
Wise people think all they say, fools say all they think.
267
Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment.
268
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
269
I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
270
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
271
Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
272
If a leper gives you the finger, do you have to give it back?
273
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
274
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
275
During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
276
If you want to be a leader with a large following, just obey the speed limit on a winding, two-lane road.
277
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
278
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
279
At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
280
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
281
Why is it that in the US: If you take off all your clothes and walk down the street waving a machete and firing an Uzi, terrified citizens will phone the police and report: "There's a naked person outside!"
282
Constipated people don't give a crap.
283
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
284
Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.
285
I tried to hang myself with a bungee chord. I kept almost dying
286
Losing a husband can be hard: in my case it was almost impossible.
287
Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.
288
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
289
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
290
My drinking team has a bowling problem.
291
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
292
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
293
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
294
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
295
Strangers have the best candy.
296
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
297
On the other hand... You have different fingers.
298
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
299
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
300
"Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit" as said by those incapable of its proper application and as such suffer from it a lot.

 

 

 

 


 
 
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First Rasor Road desert clean up.

 
 
 
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Don - Keeper of the Rasor Ranch

 

 

 
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 Historic Points

Rasor Road Mega-phone / the Mojave desert mystery

Desert grave of Delores Holland at Rasor Road, Near the old RR town of Crucero

Mystery jet fighter fuel tank found at Rasor Road

Old wells at Rasor Road

Soda Dry Lake off of Zzyzx Road at Rasor Road California Desert. The Mojave Road crosses though it.